Prepare for death

There is something comical about this government's assumption of cradle-to-grave competence. Provided they haven't identified you as a criminal in the womb and ASBOed your foetal ass, they can ensure you have a fulfilling, non-food wasting, exercise taking, non-smoking, obesity-avoiding life.

But as you live and move and have your being in this society that the government has 're-built', take care that in your bliss you forget not that one day, perhaps sooner than you think, you're going to die. It is because people are, in the government's estimation, generally insufficiently prepared for the Grim Reaper, that they have come forward with this initiative:

"Funeral homes and crematoria will be encouraged to hold open days as part of a government plan to help people better prepare for death.

Ministers believe such events will make death and dying less taboo subjects, and will encourage more people to make wills and plan for where they want to spend their final days."

You read it here first: the task that the government has set itself is nothing more or less than to make death 'less taboo'. Good luck with that. I think you'll find your only slightly less esoteric goal of 'raising aspirations' a walk in the park compared to this one.

More Glasgae East stuff

Parochial of me, I know. It's just that I'm so impressed with all the attention the place has been getting. Particularly from the Tories, given that the proverbial snowball in hell has good prospects compared to those of the Conservatives in Glasgow East.

In a distressing turn of events, the Scottish Tory leader has popped into the gym in the hope that this will boost the campaign.

This is bad for two reasons:

1) The very idea of Annabel Goldie working out leaves a disturbing image lingering in the mind.

2) Do her actions indicate some knowledge on her part that her going to the fucking gym to spread Cameron's distinctively sickly and decaffeinated version of the gospel of Self-Help is actually going to swing a few voters?

Are there really people out there who say to themselves, "I wasn't going to vote Tory but now Annabel has donned her leotard, I've changed my mind."?

Surely if such people exist, they should be killed. Several times.

Fortunately I don't think they do and it's just that Ms Goldie is completely out of her fucking gourd.

It has been noticeable the way this little by-election has brought out the parties true colours:

Scottish Labour? Incompetent, disorganised, fucked-up selection procedures, producing a candidate that looks like she was baptised in bad vinegar. No change there, then.

Tories? Have been attributing poverty to the moral deficiencies of the poor since anyone can remember; clearly the effort of being all nice and tumble-dried has exhausted them and they've reverted to type.

And as for the SNP:

"The SNP candidate in the Glasgow East by-election sparked a fresh row over Scotland's future last night, when he warned the Nationalists might not accept a No vote in a referendum on independence.

John Mason, who is a Glasgow councillor, said the SNP could go on asking the people in successive referendums until it got the answer it wanted – a view which puts him at odds with Alex Salmond, the First Minister."

I have to say, it must be tough coping with the contradictions of being a nationalist: on one hand, you're in mystical communion with the Scottish volk; on the other, there's the small problem of what to do if and when they've failed to appreciate their manifest destiny, despite your best efforts to outline your vision of a nation made more sublime by lots more state-sponsored kitsch.

Keep asking the question, is what you do.

In fairness, Alex Salmond only thinks the question needs to be asked every generation. With Mr Mason, the Will to Plebiscite beats more urgently in his breast, inflamed as it is with something one can only describe as passion:

"When you ask someone to marry you, sometimes you have to persist," Mr Mason said during a campaign visit to a community health shop in the Barlanark area of the constituency.

Paulie's the only blogger I know who gets this. The rest of you think referendums are a Really Good Idea because they're more Democratic.

This is because you're all mental. Politicians have referendums when they think they're going to win - and even when they lose, they really do have the brassneck to keep asking the same question until they get the answer they want. They've already done this in Ireland already and now pressure's being put on them to do this again.

I digress...

Anyway, can someone tell me how journalism works? Because I don't get it. When Cllr Mason was coming out with this drivel about referendums being like importuning your love with offers of marriage, was there no one on hand to say, "You analogy doesn't hold because what you're asking for is a divorce, you stupid prick!"? Or there was but this kind of thing is considered impolite? I wouldn't know but it shouldn't be.

Sexual healing

If the name of the column is anything to go by, this is what Pamela Stephenson Connolly claims to be offering to the sexually perturbed and confused. And I think we can all agree that if you find yourself writing into the Guardian to get advice about your sex life, the confusion factor is pretty fucking high. Here's an example:

"My boyfriend is an outgoing type, always the life of the party. Even when we're alone he wants to joke around. I love him, and sex with him is satisfying when we finish what we start. However, when we're making love he is easily distracted. It could be the sound of someone moving around in the next flat, or noise outside, but pretty soon he loses his erection. Is this normal? How can I keep his mind on the job?"

It may be prejudice on my part but her response struck me as being so Californian:

"It is "normal" - for someone whose brain is wired in such a way that paying attention to one thing at a time is challenging. Your boyfriend may have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), meaning that he has difficulty filtering out sounds and other stimuli that are competing for his attention.

Don't take it personally.

You should suggest he be evaluated and treated for ADHD, while remembering that he is probably a bright and creative person, who could do with your help in staying on-task."

Dunno about healing but this advice is certainly soothing. If Mr and Mrs Connolly had opted for Glasgow instead of LA, I like to think her advice might go something like this:

"Unless bits of it actually fall on me, the fucking ceiling collapsing wouldn't distract me from 'staying on-task', ok? Given this is, as far as I can gather, the way of all flesh, you really should accept that yer boyfriend just ain't that interested. I suggest you get him tested for Shagging Someone Else Syndrome (SSES).

Do take it personally."