Fantastic teachers - Ed Balls wants YOU!

Who could disagree that to hear Sir Cyril Taylor speak is to hear the sound of a nail being hit on the head? He has identified the key problem in education today - sub-standard teachers who are not fantastic. The obvious thing to do is to get rid of them and draw from the deep well of latent fantasticness out there. Recruiting the less than fantastic ones was, in hindsight, something of a mistake.

These sub-standard wretches are a rash on the scrotum of our education system - only working in the comprehensive system, as every well-informed reader of the blogosphere knows, because they were unable to get jobs in grammars or private schools. They are harming your children. They are making them fatter and more stupid than they were already!

Our new uber-heads will be given powers to wipe this stain from the copybook of educational history. There are competent to do this because there are no sub-standard heads. Well, there are but don't worry, we'll take care of them. We know what's best. We know what's best for your children too - even when they aren't really children anymore. This is why one of our spokesmen was pleased to announce today that the school leaving age is being raised to 25.

We are confident that this, combined with a raft of other measures - including ecologically-sound faith-based academies with no playgrounds and lots of glass - will raise the hoodied delinquent that is our education system from being only marginally better than your average third world country to Quite Good Really status.