On the evil that was the Eighties #1

I was born in the sixties, which meant I was a teenager becoming a man in the eighties. If I believed in God, I would rage against Him for this. The eighties were horrible for so many reasons, I'm thinking a new series is called for - starting with music. I like music. I listen to music. I play musical instruments. I have plebian tastes and this pleb fucking hated eighties music. The Flying Rodent once made the (ridiculous) suggestion that the nineties were uniquely shite for music. Now Paulie has topped this nonsense by arguing (I think) that not only were the 'noughties' in some way especially shite, also that in comparison eighties' music was actually good.

While it is a strong field in which to compete, I think this must be one of the most absurd propositions I have seen on the blogosphere ever seen written down anywhere. Eighties' music was utter, utter shite. Even people who were good were shit in the eighties. I have found it impossible to put the musical pile of excrement into some kind of hierarchy of shiteness so I've opted for alphabetical order instead. Please note that this list is by no means exhaustive. The average human memory simply does not have the capacity to contain the sheer volume of shite that was produced during this ungodly decade. Anyway...

Adam Ant

Don't want to mock the mentally ill too much but... Prince Charming, Prince Charming... What the fuck were you thinking about?

Almond, Marc

I can't...

Boy George

"Do you really want to hurt me?" Yes. But not in the fun way you're thinking...

Bronski Beat

Jimmy Sommerville comes from Ruchill in Glasgow and is gay. This makes him the hands-down winner of the hardest man in showbusiness - without a shadow of a fucking doubt. I tip my hat to him for this. Music's still shite tho...

Bros

If you haven't caught on already, you'll be beginning to see the point I'm making? I don't want to overplay my hand by mentioning Bucks Fizz...

The Cure

When people used to say, "I really like the Cure", it's not so much a question of disagreeing with them but failing even to recognise members of your own species...

Duran Duran

Frankly these two words should be enough to settle the argument - although from bitter experience I have found this isn't enough. Haven't even mentioned Depeche Mode...

Echo and The Bunnymen

People who were too cool to like Duran Duran liked these sub-Doors poseurs. Sad, but there it is.

Flock of Seagulls

Sight and sound - combining to make an aesthetic catastrophe.

Human League

One side of hair cut short, the other unfeasibly long. This counted as a fashion statement in this wretched decade.

Kajagoogoo

Comment superfluous...

Kraftwerk

Fucking Nazis...

Limal

There isn't anything good under L - but if there was, this surely would overwhelm them?

Morrissey

There's quite a few under M but this will do. Amazingly even to this day people confess to liking him and yet are unashamed. If this isn't an indicator of the utter degradation of this decade, I don't know what is.

I'm not doing N. It's too depressing...

OMD

Excruciating...

Pet Shop Boys

Please...

There's a reason why Q gets so many points in Scrabble...

Spandau Ballet

Bit like Duran Duran in that here's two words that really should settle the matter...

Thompson Twins

But there was three of them...

Now can I jump to V and give you Van Halen? Because I need to jump back to U for my piece de resistance...

U2

You-fucking-too. Ladies and Gentlemen, friends and comrades - the eighties were the decade that brought the horror that is Bono to the world. "How long must I sing this song?" Well you can shut the fuck up with your pretentious political posturing right now as far as I'm concerned. And tell that guitarist of yours to give that jingle-jangle shite played through an echo chamber a rest - it's getting on my nerves...

The prosecution rests, m'lud. The defence? The Jam? You trying to take the piss? That fake angry young man Paul Weller? One commentator remarked that he'd turned into Van Morrison, only with a better haircut. Don't agree about the haircut.

Note: I think Haloscan has passed away. Apologies if your comment was scoffed.