Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Against faux Scots - especially in print

Like this election coverage in the Herald, for example:
"Scotland, exactly – as if we’d sell a massive tree tae the Conservatives tae make a stake that we’d then get burnt oan. No on your witchy nelly! In any case, Tavish, if you kent that they were capable ay being that radge then why are you kickin aboot wi thum noo?"
Now I'm Scots myself. I've lived between our two biggest cities all my life, as well as having travelled around in our little rain-soaked corner of the world a wee bit. So I shouldn't need a translation - but I find that I do. Who talks like this? Nobody talks like this! If you're that uninterested in how people actually speak why don't you just say, "It'll be a braw bricht moonlicht nicht the nicht" and complete the cliche?

Then there's James Kelman who gave us the literary equivalent of being stuck with some annoying drunk arsehole on the last bus from George Square on a Saturday night and wins the fucking Booker Prize! Here's a review:
"You're gony have to read this book. There's nay doubt about it, nay doubt.

Of course, if you're easily offended by strong language aye, then it's probably no for you.

For a potty mouth like me it was aye a bit of a shock like."
Also, if you're a fan of things like punctuation and books that aren't really really shit, you probably won't find it's your bag either. Och aye the noo! Last, and least, there's this truly dispiriting piece of nonsense I've linked to before from some unmentionable MSP who has so much time on his hands it's almost inconceivable:
"A Nationalist politician has written to supermarkets demanding that they translate the English names of fresh produce into their Scots equivalents, such as "tatties", "neeps" and "brambles"."
Here's what to do, all you professional Scotsmen: pop into town, nip into Ann Summers, buy yourself a giant dildo and go take a fuck to yersels. Now that's how people in Scotland talk.
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