Texting lowers IQ

Which explains a lot, given how deeply the average pupil is wedded to his/her mobile phone. Technically, we're supposed to confiscate them if they go off in class but to be honest, so attached to them are they - enforcing this rule generally isn't worth the hassle. (The average pupil responds as if you asked them to surrender one of their kidneys!)

However, now that we know their IQ is at stake (for some, there's a real danger that their IQ scores will dip into negative numbers), I've thought of a solution: henceforth, all mobile phones will be left at the door and pupils will be given a spliff to compensate because, as well as producing a more mellow atmosphere, toking is, apparently, less detrimental to their intelligence than those bloody phones...