Size matters

Fellas, forget pummeling your flesh in the gym or reading the latest Kama Sutra-lite sex-manual because the time you spend doing this would be better spent earning as much dosh as you can: research shows unequivocally that size matters - the size of your bank balance, that is:

"Scientists have found that the pleasure women get from making love is directly linked to the size of their partner’s bank balance.

They found that the wealthier a man is, the more frequently his partner has orgasms.

"Women’s orgasm frequency increases with the income of their partner," said Dr Thomas Pollet, the Newcastle University psychologist behind the research.

He believes the phenomenon is an "evolutionary adaptation" that is hard-wired into women, driving them to select men on the basis of their perceived quality."

The comments under the article are really funny. There's a few like me who reckon this is just the latest from the Department of the Bleeding Obvious but a majority seem sceptical - for reasons that should be, well, bleeding obvious frankly. Some from skint and therefore rather defensive men and quite a few from women - the sort of women who expect us to believe them when they say, "Looks aren't that important - what matters is personality and a good sense of humour".

Yeah, right.

No rich men left any comments - they're too busy earning huge amounts of money and giving gorgeous women multiple orgasms.

People are such unbelievable liars when it comes to this sort of thing, aren't they? But this might be a genuine problem with the research: people don't tell the truth to themselves when it comes to sex, what hope has a researcher got?

Clearly further investigation is required. I liked the comment left by some spirited lady offering to conduct a controlled experiment. But that still isn't going to keep enough variables constant, is it? I've got a better idea. I would be willing to offer myself in a research capacity with a representative sample of women and do a before and after thing; we go once as I am now - i.e. fucking skint - and again after I've been given a huge amount of dosh and see if there's any difference. If the experiment fails, I think I could live with the disappointment. Exactly the sort of hard work, sacrifice and commitment to the primacy of science that Obama was calling for in his inaugural speech, I feel.



Daniel Craig: desired by women everywhere on account of his engaging personality and quirky sense of humour.