On hangover cures

I like science when it tells me good stuff, like it's good for your health to drink. But when they start saying there's no reliable hangover cure, I denounce them as liars.

Based, I can assure you, on extensive personal research - I can tell you three tried and tested ways to avoid, or at least minimise, a hangover. (Seriously - all of these work; listen to my words and live).

1) This is one I learned from my father. If you aren't too past it, re-hydrate before you crash out for the night. About four large glasses of water should do the trick. Sure, you'll wake up with a bursting bladder - but that's more easily relieved than a bursting head.

2) Drink things that are clear. Vodka rather than whisky or brandy; white wine instead of red; lager instead of real ale. Worst hangover of my life: an evening on Newcastle Brown and Jack Daniels. Not the most alcohol I've ever drunk and certainly not the drunkest I've ever been, just the worst hangover. Second worst hangover: red wine and brandy. I rest my case.

3) If you were so pissed, you collapsed before you could drink water and you failed to heed my wisdom on what you should be drinking, get some Irn Bru down you.

Bet this one wasn't included in the nerdy trial they conducted. Consider a couple of facts. Scotland is still, I believe, the only country on the face of the planet where Coca-Cola is not the leading soft drink. Consider also that our other national drink goes down a storm in Russia. Now think what you know about the attitude to drinking in both these chilly European countries and join the dots...

Boys and girls, friends and comrades - why listen to the ill-researched findings of some 'team of experts'? When it comes to hangovers, better to avail yourself of the wisdom of ages and of nations...